I’ve been sitting with a theme this week that comes up so often in the therapy room: the feeling of being “cursed” by infertility.
It is a dark, heavy thought that we often keep secret because of the shame attached to it. When science fails to give us a clear “why,” the human mind desperately tries to make sense of things and fill the gap with a story - even if that story is a painful one. I wanted to share these reflections for anyone currently feeling at war with their own story.
For many women, infertility doesn’t just feel like a medical problem - it starts to feel like a personal failing, a punishment, or even a curse.
When you’ve been trying to get pregnant for some time, navigating tests, procedures, failed IVF cycles, or devastating losses, it becomes almost impossible not to search for a reason why. And when no tangible answers are offered by the experts, your mind naturally turns inward.
You Start Blaming Yourself
When you have been trying for ages and doctors can’t give you a clear explanation what is wrong - they classify it as “unexplained infertility” - or when you have been undergoing IVF and the “perfect” embryo doesn’t stick, you start looking for answers within yourself. Since the medical side isn’t making sense, you begin to question yourself and your own worth.
When something feels unbearable and uncontrollable, your mind often tries to create a story that makes sense. In the absence of a biological explanation, you might look back at every mistake you’ve ever made and wonder if you’ve done something to deserve this.
You question whether you’re being punished by the universe. You ask yourself if you’re a “good” person, or if there’s some reason you don’t deserve to be a parent. It’s a dark, lonely place to be. When you’re exhausted and grieving, your mind tells you that you must have caused this. You think, “Maybe I’m just not meant to be a mum.”
It Can Feel Like Your Body Is the Enemy
It’s also incredibly common to start blaming your body. You may feel like it has failed you - and worse, like it has failed your potential children and the future you imagined.
Your body stops feeling like “you” and starts feeling like the enemy. You resent your ovaries, your womb, your inability to get or stay pregnant. It can undermine your sense of being a woman, making you feel fundamentally broken. Every scan or failed cycle reinforces the idea that your own biology is the barrier to the life you want.
Losing trust in your body can feel like another kind of grief—one that’s rarely spoken about. It’s an exhausting way to live, being at war with the very body that is supposed to be your home.
The Bitter Contrast: Why Them and Not Me?
What makes it even harder is looking around at the people who are getting pregnant. Many women notice people who aren’t particularly kind, people who seem careless, or people who didn’t even want a baby in the first place, and yet they appear to get pregnant easily.
It’s hard to fathom. It feels personal. You find yourself thinking, “Why them and not me? I’ve done everything right. I’ve worked so hard for this. Why does someone who doesn’t even seem to care get it so easily while I’m still struggling years later?”
And then comes the shame. The part of you that thinks you shouldn’t feel this way, even though it’s a completely human response.
Please Know: It’s Not Your Fault
It’s natural for your mind to try to make sense of what feels senseless. But the sense of feeling cursed isn’t real, even though the pain is.
The hardest truth to accept is that fertility has nothing to do with being a good person. It isn’t a reward for kindness, and it isn’t a punishment for your flaws. Biology is indifferent. It doesn’t measure goodness, effort, or worth.
You haven’t done anything to deserve the trauma of loss or the physical toll of IVF. You’re simply on the wrong side of a very cruel, very random biological situation.
Feeling bitter doesn’t make you a bad person. Feeling like the universe is against you doesn’t mean you’re cursed. It means you’ve been through more than anyone should have to handle, and you’re tired of watching everyone else get what you’ve been fighting for.
A Note on Support
If this resonates with you, please know you don’t have to navigate these feelings alone. I provide online counselling and psychotherapy to women in the UK, specialising in fertility challenges, miscarriage, and IVF support. You can find out more about my practice at www.saffmittentherapy.co.uk where I also share more about these sorts of issues.
So much of this resonated with me. 🤍 Infertility gave me plenty of moments of “Why me?” and “What am I doing wrong?” But the part about losing trust in your own body particularly stayed with me. Over years of infertility and IVF, my body slowly became something I monitored, questioned and sometimes blamed rather than simply lived in. Looking back, I can see how much of the journey was happening internally in ways nobody around me could see. It’s one of the reasons I find myself writing about those invisible parts now. Thank you for creating space for some of the darker thoughts that people experiencing infertility may be afraid to say out loud. 🤍 Subscribed to you right away and looking forward to reading more of your stories.